0 – 5 Years Olds Need From You About Screens:
- Experts say NO screens or internet under 2! Facetime with family does not count.
- 3-5 years old max 30 min/day (older Dvds are better for your child’s brain than today’s fast moving shows which are designed to hook. Limit interactive video games that create neuropathways that are hard to break and sets your child up for addictive behaviour.
- Attunement (watch this powerful still face experiment)
- Their brains are making 1 million neural connections per second. Don’t let powerful, designed to be addictive games and shows inhibit their natural curiosity, learning, and growth.
- Slow down. Your babies need to see you off your screen as much as possible. Fight for screen-free meals & activities together.
- Do not make your children, your content. I know we want to record everything at this age but be careful if it starts to teach them to perform for your followers. Interacting with Grandma and Grandpa is different than constantly putting a camera in their face and encouraging them to interact with your followers. They don’t need to know anything about followers, likes, comments. They need value and affirmation from Mom and Dad and no one else at this point.
- If you want to have good talks in the next stage and teen years, start laying the foundation now. Are you always available? Is the phone more interesting than them? When you go to the park, are you watching them or your phone? Because I guarantee you, they are watching you and wondering the same thing.
0 – 5 Need From You About Sexuality:
- Proper names of body parts. Not cutsie names like wee wee. Sexual abuse prevention starts with proper names of body parts.
- Teach them what is private. i.e. the parts covered by your bathing suit are private, no one should ever ask to see it or touch it, unless you are with mom and/or dad at the doctor’s.
- Don’t force them to give family members hugs and affection. Teach them they have the power to choose and can say no.
- Lots of eye contact, hugs, cuddling. The less they see you on a device the better.
- Pick them up when they need it. Put them down when they need it.
- Please listen to “The Place We Find Ourselves” podcast by Dr. Adam Young Ep. 158 & 159
6 – 10 Year Olds Need From You About Screens:
To be strong. To not be pressured by them or our culture. To fight for the small window of childhood to let their brains, emotions and identity develop without the intrusion of predatory algorithms and harmful messaging from the digital world.
No smartphones. No social media. They will thank you someday. If you give in and give them a smartphone, get ready for a constant battle over their phone use.
Pursue real play, activity, adventure, and friends!
Limited interactive screenplay and set a weekly schedule i.e. Dr. Leonard Sax recommends no gaming during the school days.
Set timers where they have to get up to turn it off. This helps teach self-regulation.
If you want to allow some gaming, you must play together first so you know the language and content they are being exposed to. Read app review on Protect Young Eyes and Common Sense Media. Many games are hyper-sexualized. Dr. Stringer says, once puberty hits, the only thing that can compete with the dopamine
No headsets, no chatting with strangers, check chat history.
NEVER in bedroom, ever. Get all gaming in public spaces, as loud and annoying as that may be. Not appropriate for younger siblings? Is it appropriate for any child then?
Watch for signs of gaming addiction.
“Once many children reach puberty, the neural networks established for video-game addiction leave them vulnerable to addiction to pornography. The neurological grooves created for video games get filled by the next addictive process.” Dr. Jay Stringer, Unwanted
6 – 10 Year Olds Need to Hear From You About Porn:
I know it’s terrible that we have to have such conversations so early! But as soon as children are around other kids with smartphones i.e. riding the school bus, we must warn them. Keep the language simple. You may not want to use the word porn yet. But remind them to come to you for any
- Warning – you might see a naked body on someone else’s screen. When it may be – it may be on the school bus, or at recess. By who – your friends may think it’s funny, they will try to show you. Or an older kid may try to bully you into watching it.
- What to do? You must look away or close your eyes as fast as possible. If you can, run and tell a trusted adult right away. If you’re at a friend’s house you insist on calling us right away and we will come get you.
- It’s not safe for you to see these pictures ok. They will hurt your heart.
- If someone tries to show you a naked picture of themselves or a classmate you must not look. This is illegal. Please tell us as soon as it happens.
- If anyone asks for private info i.e. where you go to school or a photo, or wants to move the conversation to another app, you must tell us. There are people who try to trick kids online. It’s our job to keep you safe.
- Watch for changes in behaviour, especially after a playdate.
- Reassess sleepovers. So many kids are first exposed to porn at sleepovers. Or sexually assaulted by an older brother or father. It happens. Reconsider. Is it really necessary? The best place for kids to sleep is at home. If they do go, they need a way to reach you in the middle of the night, but don’t give them a smartphone! That’s gets them in more trouble.
- Say this to your kids often: Never in trouble, never a bad time, never a bad question!
Tweens Need To Hear From You About Screens:
DELAY IS THE WAY! No smartphone before high school! Help them get through the challenges of puberty and adolescence without adding the pressure from the digital world.
Sign the UNPLUGGED CANADA PLEDGE and help change the culture so your child isn’t “the only one.”
No social media before 16 (Our family is doing the 18@18 Challenge! If my kids don’t put social media on their phones before they turn 18, I will give them $1,800 on their 18th birthday. To me, this is worth every penny! To meet in the middle, my 17-year-old daughter has her Instagram on my phone. Sometimes, she remembers to check it. At the time of this writing, her last post was 5 months ago.)
Facilitate face-to-face gatherings. I go out of my way to make these happen!
Help them find their passion & purpose. Volunteer together. Help them be other focused vs self-obsessed.
Give daily chores and responsibility which teaches self-confidence and delayed gratification. Don’t deprive them of this.
I know we often give our kids phones so we can get a hold of them. Please consider the first phone does NOT have to be a smartphone. Smartphones are powerful tools, even weapons, they do not belong in the hands of children. The first phone should be a ‘learner’s license’ to allow your children to develop digital responsibility. Many youth are choosing to go back to flip. Also checkout the PINWHEEL option in Canada or the Gabb phone in the US. If you want to help get the Gabb phone in Canada add your name to the COVERAGE REQUEST. The more options we have the better!
Any device needs agreed-upon weekly schedule, timers, and accountability.
Screen access is earned not a given. Are chores done first? Do they try to sneak it in their rooms? What are the consequences when screen rules are not kept?
No screens in bedrooms, bathrooms, or basements, EVER! If they need some privacy I would allow them in the bedroom with door open but never during the night, never during sleepovers. Good decisions are not made at night when there is no accountability.
Protect their sleep! This is the most sleep-deprived generation. Sleep deprivation looks like ADHD. Kids need uninterrupted sleep.
Tweens Need to Hear From You About Porn:
Nudes – they need to know they may be asked, pressured for one, or sent one. They need to know even if “everyone is doing it” the ramifications on those who send are devastating and potentially lifelong. If you send one, you will be teased and hounded for more. Your body is private and valuable, no boy/girl has the right to ask you for something so intimate. Let them know that these digital footprints are nearly impossible to erase. The average nude a child sends is shared 400,000 times! More info: https://cybertip.ca/en/
Teach about sextortion! It is happening at an alarming rate in Canada! Criminal groups target boys 10 – 17 years who are chatting online, mostly at night! Learn more here.
IF your child uses IG, Snapchat or YouTube shorts, they will see porn or sexually explicit material. These apps are full of them. Remember the algorithm will serve your tween different content than you! If your child has ever lingered on a suggestive photo of a nearly nude woman or clicked on it (which these apps are full of), that is what the algorithm will keep feeding them, inundating them with nudity.
The system is broken. Trying to control it is nearly impossible. Go to the app review in Protect Eyes for specific parent control instructions but remember, you cannot trust these apps. They do not care about your children.
88% of porn shows violence against women and girls. If you watch it, it will normalize violence against women and girls. This will impact dating and any relationships you have.
Porn teaches that sex is violent and violence is part of sex. It teaches boys to become sexual predators and aggressive. It teaches boys to take what they want, anytime, anywhere and the girl’s feelings are irrelevant. Porn teaches girls to expect pain, fear, violence, even torture (what is depicted in most scenes). The porn industry wants to feed you a lie! They are only posting more shocking material because it will get more views and keep viewers on longer which increases the money they make off of ads! The longer you are on their site, the more money they make! They do not care if, in the meantime, they are destroying your life and ability to have healthy relationships.
Teach your family values for sex. Is it from a Christian worldview? Or do you believe sex is okay as long as there is consent? That’s a lot of pressure to put on a teen. Have a look at how a medical practitioner answers the question “are you ready to have sex?” (I don’t endorse this but, it sure puts a tonne of responsibility on kids considering it).
As a Christian, I teach my children that sex is the most beautiful God-designed gift, given to one man and one woman for life. It is something to be cherished, protected, nurtured, explored, and celebrated within the covenant of marriage. We speak of it often, 100 x 1 minute conversations, there’s always an open door, no question is off limits. No shame! No secrets.
Deeper Conversations with Teens on Porn:
As teens get older, we need to have more detailed conversations about porn. You can assume, they have already seen it. If we know 88% is violent, you can ask why would anyone choose that? Tell your teens they are there because they do not have a choice or they do not have the power to say no. 80% of those in the porn industry were sexually abused as children. That means from a young age, they were taught, that their body belongs to others and they do not have the right to say no.
Childhood sexual abuse grooms victims for later sexual exploitation.
Most are victims of human trafficking. 1/3 of trafficked victims are forced to produce pornography. Consuming porn contributes to their humiliation and enslavement.
Many years ago, the English thought it’d be a great idea to bring English Ivy to Vancouver Island. It was a terrible idea! It is an invasive species. It quickly covers hectares of land killing all ground plants, choking waterways, then climbing up trees and killing them. There are entire forests on the island consumed by the English Ivy from the ground up! It actually takes over a tree and chokes it to death! Something that looked like it would be harmless is now a noxious weed that is out of control.
Porn is like the English Ivy. It doesn’t need any encouragement if you give it a minute of your time, it will demand more and more and more. Porn wants to fully occupy your brain and every waking thought, until it takes over all your free time! In the process, it will hijack and rewire your brain changing your sexual appetite. You will be drawn into more and more violent, more graphic and more illegal.
Porn sites are full of titles like “barely legal”, “teen”, “step-sister”, “babysitter” etc. that draw teen boys in. On those pages, it’s very easy to click, click, click and you can cross the line into illegal, almost without realizing it! Read the stories in the article below. Do NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!
Porn Will Take Over Your Life – IF YOU DON’T FIGHT BACK!
Porn releases insane amounts of DOPAMINE! Equivalent to amphetamines! That means your brain will want more of that high and that experience!
You must fight this at all costs! Here are tips for teens to push back on porn.
- Examine your heart, people go to porn for a reason. It’s usually to cope, escape, or numb out. What is pushing you to porn? What hole are you trying to fill? You gotta address that hole, talk to a therapist or it can haunt you your entire life if you let it!
- Avoid boredom, bedrooms & isolation! Pretty hard to avoid porn if you constantly put yourself in this situation. It’s like an alcoholic being in a bar, trying not to be tempted. That’s dumb right? Get all devices out of your room. Do you need to go to a Pinwheel phone? or flip phone for a while?
- Get your dopamine elsewhere! Find a way to get outdoors, join sports, learning new hobbies, or find a passion! This is the best way to get natural healthy dopamine. Guess what, the spike is not as high, but it stays in your system longer and it will help you sleep!
- Social media & video games are gateways to porn. I know you may enjoy those but is it worth the cost?
- You cannot fight porn alone!!! Besides, why bother? Everyone needs help to fight it, especially boys so gather your friends, be real, and create a close accountability group. Find ways to support one another. Checkout the many great resources on my resource page.
- All devices out of the room to sleep. No exceptions. Get an alarm clock!
Hey guess what!? There will be moments where you fail.
Welcome to being human! Your worst decisions do not define you. And I wanna tell ya, your parents don’t expect perfection, just honesty! The key is to be honest as quick as possible. If your parents aren’t SAFE to be honest with, please find a safe adult who understands your struggles. You may even need to start with an understanding online community. Checkout the porn section on my resource page. Reboot Nation has a great online community.
And I want you to know just because you have watched porn doesn’t mean it’s gonna make you a sexual predator. It affects people’s brains in different ways. You just have to be aware of how it’s affecting YOU! BUT, let me say that I’ve never met anyone for whom porn has improved their lives. No matter who you are, it leads to isolation, shame and a loss of interest in life. Do NOT let it sink its hooks into your brain! Your life is better without it. I promise. Reach out if you need help today.
And if you need some inspo! Search SMITH ALLEY TESTIMONY ON SPOTIFY OR FIND SMITH HERE TO LEARN HOW HE FOUGHT AND WON HIS BATTLE WITH PORN! LIVE LIFE BIGGER FOUNDATION
TAKEN FROM THE GUARDIAN.ORG BY HARIETT GRANT
THE KNOCK THAT TEARS FAMILIES APART
It was an ordinary summer evening in 2016 for Emma when her ex-husband, Ben, dropped their young children back after a weekend visit at his place. The couple had been divorced for less than a year. Their split had brought with it the usual pain and sadness that comes when a long relationship ends, but things were amicable. He lived nearby in the town they had grown up in and saw the children almost daily. Emma was running a bath for the kids when she heard a knock on the door: “I thought he had forgotten something.” Instead, she was confronted by a female police officer, behind whom was her ex-husband, standing by his car, surrounded by plainclothes police.
“I immediately thought someone was dead,” Emma says. “The policewoman told me to settle the children in front of the TV and before she even had time to tell me what had happened, the senior officer came in, looked me in the eye and said: ‘I’m so sorry, life is never going to be the same again. The next few months are going to be hell.’ And then they told me they were arresting Ben for accessing indecent images of children. I felt like the world dropped away.”……..
Families who have been through this experience call it “the knock”: the moment when police officers arrive at your door and your world falls apart. Around 850 people, mainly men, are arrested each month in England and Wales for downloading indecent images or grooming children online. In 2010 there were only 407 arrests across the entire year; since then there has been a staggering 25-fold rise that threatens to overwhelm UK police capacity. (WHY WOULD CANADA BE ANY DIFFERENT?)
One reason for this is the ease of accessing abusive material. Earlier this year, Rob Jones, director of threat leadership at the National Crime Agency, warned: “The prevalence on the open web of images of child sexual abuse – and the use of the web to groom and livestream abuse – represents a crisis for modern society.”
Most images are not on the dark web but “a few clicks away”, Jones says. According to police figures, their UK database of known child abuse images has 17m unique entries on it, and it is growing by 500,000 images every two months.
New patterns of grooming have emerged over the last decade, particularly children being targeted via chat sites or livestreaming services, often in their own bedrooms. They are tricked into sending images of themselves, which are then used to blackmail them and further the abuse.
Michael Sheath is a counsellor at the Lucy Faithfull Foundation, a group that works to rehabilitate offenders. He believes that for some people, watching abuse-themed pornography, which is increasingly widespread, makes it easier for them to take the next step of watching real abuse of children. “There is a school of thought that some men were already interested in children and went off to look for it – that they are born paedophiles. But I think a lot of the men we work with go down a potentially escalating pathway.
Mainstream pornography sites are changing the threshold of what is normal and I think it’s dangerous. Of course most people can watch extreme porn and walk away, but I don’t see those people. What we are seeing on a daily basis is the conflation of easy access to hardcore and deviant pornography and an interest in child molestation. The link is unambiguous.”
